19th November 2019 by Ann Vielhaben
Recently, I thankfully had a few weeks off – finally. A little time off was urgently needed, because I had the feeling that above all I had to work and deliver so much that I got lost in the fabrics.
Hello, I am an actress through and through and live in and for my characters, bringing them to life in all colors and moods. And always this role work is also an expedition to myself.
I grew up in the north of Hamburg as the second of three children of an opera singer and a road construction businessman. Here everything was as it should be.
Right at the source of the Alster, in a nature reserve, with a leaf whistle in my hand and proud of the self-built outhouse in the garden. We, „The three hearts,“ brother and sisters from the orphanage, were always well-equipped with provisions and always on the run from the busha-busha men chasing us, alone in nature, skating behind the cow meadow, on a discovery tour in the wild west, because "Bonanza" and "Ein Colt für alle Fälle" were only available from time to time. But they were still the best material for film-ready realizations in our children's setting made of carved sticks and simmered soups and jams from the surrounding blackberry bushes.
There, where the land is wide and fertile, even the most beautiful ideas grow into whole plays. As soon as those ideas were ready for the stage, there were performed to the children in the neighborhood. Often a German lesson with Mrs. Thomsen became an extra theatre workshop with an improvised ending that never ended.
The rubber dinghy trips to the nearby Baltic Sea, the music in the morning in the nearby church, using the large organ and testing of the own voice range in the sacred space (wonderful, I am all alone and yet I can be heard in the whole, wide world. Singing to whom singing is given; the play, the dance - always a delight. Where others have already publicized and were in discos with their friends, who also glued their hair with hairspray, tried to poke fun at the boys from the neighboring village).
Last summer an audio book production came out, for which I burned, for which I gave everything. But the result did not convince me, although it was found to be very good. I received great praise from many sides. Even at the Frankfurt Book Fair there was talk about it. Opinions differed widely, from "controversial" to "unique" and "to be ranked among the very great ones in their field". I had to learn above all to classify my own perception. What exactly didn't appeal to me? What, on the other hand, is still exactly right and absolutely appropriate?
That's the way it is when we actors have something particularly close to our hearts - we get completely absorbed in it, we burn for our production - and fall deep, deep, deeper if we're not satisfied.
I even had feelings of shame. It was seething behind the mask. I felt lost, weak and incapable.
I was unhappy with the post-production, with the processing of my recorded material, and I got to the bottom of it, consulted with the various technicians involved in the production process.
In retrospect, I realized that I had to walk through my valley of tears in order to be able to analyze: What are my adjusting screws, what can I improve? And what I have no influence on.
Lively learning began. I also dealt with my mistakes critically. I have become aware of what I would like to improve fundamentally or [HT15] simply approach differently. And it's very simple: What grounds me is good for me, brings me resonance, lets my voice vibrate freely and gives me back self-confidence, strength, room.
It is important that life doesn´t always run smoothly. Old pains always had to be overcome, even when I was trapped in them.
In the past weeks I have taken a lot of time to rediscover my inner strength, the connection to myself. To accept, what has happened, and to grow within myself.
It's great that I was able to observe myself carefully and with leisure, that I have found my inner source and that I even know better now what drives me and what makes me happy.
It takes courage to make mistakes. This is how self-confidence grows.
"To truly love, You must be able to take Your pain and play with it."